I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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