I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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