She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
