Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
