Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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