i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
