she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Randomize
