i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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