YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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