The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I want a musical about memes.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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