Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
