Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
