he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
