Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
