First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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