Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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