she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
