I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
