sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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