fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
