He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
