It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
