They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
