I think I died a long time ago.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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