piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's official drugs can't kill me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
