Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
