omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
