I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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