just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
