**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
