just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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