i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
