??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i think i have two assholes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize