I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
