Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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