Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
