he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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