Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
