i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
