I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
