weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
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