totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
