My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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