I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
