The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
