You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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