I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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