I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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