i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
