One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Sober January is a disaster.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
