Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
