he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
