I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
