I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
