She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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