Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
and she was petting her beer can
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
