so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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