dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
