your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
