I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you win again, gameday.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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