i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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