I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
