and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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